OK all caugth up after this

         Today is the day I get to go to PASS so they can analyze me. This should be an interesting experience. I don’t want to do this. I already have my doctors and therapist. So I pretty much just need to put on a good show, just like in an interview. Hopefully it won’t take more than an hour because this is my Friday. I want to just go home and catch up on my sleep then start my weekend. Hopefully they will just sign off on me showing up and not make me come back. I mean I have an appointment with my therapist on the 27^th and an appointment with my psychiatrist on the 28^th.

     If Catrenna don’t keep here hands off my keyboard I’m going to start breaking fingers.

            Anyway, before I was so rudely interrupted, I was going no where with my rant. Next topic. I went over to my buddy Donny’s house yesterday after work and when I get there I am jumped by at least 3 kids, if not more. I start talking to the boys playing video games. This is when they proceed to tell me they have no memory card for the PS2 I gave them. I told them that was too bad. Then it happened. They looked at ME and stated that I needed to get them one. First of all, I gave them the game console with a bunch of games for nothing. Second of all, ya’ll got parents. Ask them for a memory card. Kids spoil easy. You have to be so careful these days. And yeah I know, I was probably like that when I was a kid, but damn. I love all them kids to death, they just crack me up.

            Catrenna is laughing her fucking ass off at what I typed above about her. I told her she made it into my blog and I will post this one. I just heard the funniest damn song. It’s a rap song called That Baby Don’t Look Like Me. The title pretty much sums up the song. That makes for a good laugh. I’m gonna have to check the video out when I get home. Last night I was telling my Dad a story about something I was told. In the story I said that one of the guys said “That’s what’s up.” My Dad looked at me and asked what does that mean. So I told him it means he understands. My Dad went on a small rant about the way some people talk these days; one being me as well. He said something that made me laugh. He said someday you’re gonna ask what time is it. And the response is gonna be chocolate bar. That’s what’s up.

                        Camo shorts and bubble kush.

I wanna talk she’d rather fuss,

Bout this and that and such and such.

Damn where is the fucking trust?

            Sorry, went off on a whole Lil Wayne thing. I just can’t seem to get it out of my head. Well I believe that I have said all I want to say today. So I will holler at ya’ll later.

Still catching up on everything I wrote

I hate being where I am in life. This fucking sucks. She could have gave me some mother fucking warning that she is getting fed up and thinking about ending it. All I want is one more chance. I want to live in the same house with my children and wife. I tried as hard as I fucking could. I have some things about me that I don’t even like, but I’m trying like hell to not say stupid and hateful shit. Hell, I don’t even think like that anymore. I have actually grown, mentally. God, I would give my balls for one more chance with the only woman I ever really loved. This fucking hurts so bad. How can you not hate yourself for breaking the trust of the only person that means everything to you? And I’m never going to get her back. Fuck. I just want my kids, wife, heart, and life back.

Still catching up

  Okay. Fuck it. I miss the hell out of my wife and I can’t get over her. Not even a little. Last night I sent her a text message that simply said I miss you. I did not expect any response at all. But she actually did. She said OK. Then I made the mistake of trying to talk to her about us. Big fucking mistake. Now I know that she loves me like a friend. I thought that was a teenage thing. And I guess it’s just me, but I don’t understand how you can just change your feelings that quick for someone. And on top of that my job mandated me to go to PASS yesterday. PASS is a program with mental health people you can talk to if you work for the Sheriff’s Office or the police department. The mandate I was given stated that I was admitted to Parthenon Pavilion on May 30, 2010 for suicidal tendencies. It also stated that I was currently going through a divorce and seemed depressed per supervisor. It’s been almost five months since I was in the hospital. I have absolutely no desire to kill myself. And my divorce is moving at a snails pace, which is fine with me. If the divorce does go all the way I will learn to except that and move past it as best as I can. As far as the shit about being depressed, I have been depressed for a long ass time. I am actually doing a hell of a lot better. My medications are working great and I feel better than ever. I can think more clearly than ever before. It’s amazing. I go to therapy and a psychiatrist. So the last thing I need is PASS. I am already doing everything I can for my mental wellbeing.

Cathing up on my posts

  Sunday morning. This will probably be a long day, but I will try my hardest to have a nice day. Good news for me is my left side of my stomach stopped hurting finally. It has been hurting the last couple of days. Everyone around me, including me, that it was either a kidney stone or a kidney infection. But I woke up this morning and no pain at all. Anyways. I think I’m going to go do my weekly bag audit so it will be finished for the day. I’m not going to do my supply order until tomorrow.

            Well, less than an hour later and Wendy and I have done our bag audit and ten releases. Now they are scheduling dress outs. Hopefully we can knock everything out early and be done for the day. I mean it is Sunday and I do want to watch some football. I am not sure who the Titans play, but I am going to watch as much of it as I can. I wonder if the Bears can pull out a win today. I kind of feel like writing a story today. I think I might give it a stab.

            It was a cool October morning when Peter stepped out on his front porch. He was headed off to work, or at least that was as far as he knew. He walked over to his garage and opened the doors with his keychain. For a moment he just looked around. Then a smile began to spread across Peter’s face when he saw his cream colored Aston Martin Vantage. He walked over to it and admired its beauty before jumping in. When he revved up the engine he knew it was time to go. Peter shot down his driveway and out of his cul-de-sac.

            After his wife, Haley, hears the engine fading out of ear shot she grabs her cell phone. She begins typing quickly and then she sends her message out. She climbs out of bed and goes to the restroom. When she finishes up in the bathroom her phone goes off. Haley runs over to her night stand to retrieve her message. She gets the smallest, little smile and a tiny giggle. She puts her phone back down and runs into her walk in closet. A good twenty or so minutes goes by and Haley is out and ready to face the day. She looks stunning. Her long sandy blonde hair goes midway down her back and her make up is perfect. Today she wants everybody to look at her. She is dressed all in black. From the black dress to the black stockings with black boots, she is ready to go. She steps outside with a bit of bounce in her step. Haley goes over to the garage and heads straight for the Range Rover, also black. When she turns the engine over her Keith Urban CD immediately starts. She backs out of the garage, pushes the button that closes all the doors to the garage, and takes off.

            On the way to work Peter gets a call from an old friend, Lauren. Lauren knows Peter and Haley both very well from college. Apparently she had had a big fight with her husband, Phong, the night before about the kids and he walked out on her. Now he had never walked out and not returned the same night. Lauren wanted to know if Peter had heard from him since last night. He had not. Lauren was very worried. Peter told Lauren that he could call Haley and see if she could come by and stay with her until they knew what was going on. Lauren did not hesitate at the offer. So Peter called Haley and caught her up on the situation. She had no problem going over to Lauren’s; she just had some errands to run first.

            After Haley finished what little running she had to do she hurried over to Lauren’s. Once there, she knocked on the front door. After a minute or so Lauren opened the door with tears in her eyes. “I don’t know where Phong is and I’m scared.” Lauren cried on Haley’s shoulder. Haley helps Lauren back into the house. They walk over to the couch and both sit down. Haley goes through her purse looking for her pack of tissue. When she finds it she gives it to Lauren. After a few moments she starts to calm down and explain what happened. “Thomas got expelled from school yesterday.” said Lauren. Haley lets out a gasp. “What? Why?”. “Well they apparently found a bag of pot in his backpack after lunch. They also think he was high when they busted him.” “Oh my Lord.” said Haley. Lauren goes on to explain, “I wanted to ground him and take away his games and things, but Phong had a different plan. He thought that Peter should have been arrested for having the pot.” Haley asks Lauren why Phong would want that to happen to his own son. Lauren said that Phong wanted to really teach him a lesson.

            While Lauren and Haley are talking over the events of the night before, Peter is about five minutes from work. Peter works about an hour and a half from their home in Savannah. His phone rings; it’s Phong calling. He had gone out drinking after the fight with his wife and wrecked his car. He was calling from Mercy Hospital. Peter told him that he was on his way there to see him. Peter called his secretary and explained what was going on briefly and told her he would not be in today.

            So Peter took Phong home to Lauren. They worked everything out and Haley and Peter went home for the rest of the day.

THE END

            Yeah… I couldn’t really figure out what I wanted to do with that. Sorry. Hope you weren’t too into it. How would you finish off this story? I just think it could go so many places. I would like some input on this, people. I love writing stories because your imagination can take you anywhere. That story was just not coming to me so easily. Oh well. I tried.

Friday

Well, let’s see. It’s October first, two thousand ten. My blog is called Wake Me When September Ends. It ended. So I guess that means I need to change the name of this thing. It’s seven seventeen in the morning. I am at work. There are twenty two males and eleven females down in Booking. I got here at a quarter to seven and since I’ve been here I have done the morning audit, checked the stock, relieved third shift, pulled stock for the dressouts we will do today, and switched the laundry from a bin it’s not supposed to be in to a bin made for laundry. I got quite a bit down in a half hour.

            I got 6 new CDs from a friend yesterday, but I left them at work. So I’m enjoying them right now. I’m listening to Drake. I have been wondering about this album. Just haven’t had the money to get. Besides Drake I also got Lil Wayne – I Am Not a Human Being, Fabolous – There Is No Competition, Gucci Mane – The Appeal, Jeremih – All about You, and Freddie Gibbs – Str8 Killa. I got a lot of new music to listen to. I’m excited. What’s really nice about these CDs is that they are just CD-R discs and were free, so if I don’t like something, I will just pass it on to someone else. Drake has a flow kind of resembling Lil Wayne. I like it. And it’s got an R&B feel to it as well.

            Laundry just called me and the last thing we need back here is more fucking laundry. We are covered for the whole weekend, which is all I care about. We will get more laundry Monday. We do get the supply order today that I ordered yesterday. It was 54 degrees outside this morning. I wish this time of year would last forever. Well, releases are here and dressouts are scheduled, so I guess I’ll be back later. It’s now eight twelve and I have done my releases but the dressouts haven’t shown up yet. But my supervisor was nice enough to call to tell me I she needs me to fill on of our red bins up with supplies so the inmate worker can make the mesh bags up for dressouts. I feel like just staying back here in property today, but she going to find a way to make me come out.

            Well I took care of the supplies and my dressouts are done now too. It’s only nine twenty two. There is so much of this day left. I wish they would send up more dressouts so that the time will go by. Right now I’m listening to the Lil Wayne CD. This disc is off the chain. That is CD over now and I’m listening to Gucci Mane. Both of my coworkers went to smoke, so I am finally alone. I have no problem working in Property by myself. As long as it’s not too damn busy. What sucks right now is that I know we won’t do anymore dressouts until after noon. That’s two hours pretty much just sitting here. Something will come up here and there, but that’s it.

            My baby momma is going on a cruise with our kids in December. I’m happy for them. They deserve a vacation. I think the whole family is going. I didn’t know that babies could fly in planes. I think it will be a nice vacation for all of them, but how much fun can you have with little kids there with you? I am thinking about going to the concert for The Country Music Hall of Fame. I know that Keith Urban, Brad Paisley, and Miranda Lambert are going to be there. There is going to be a lot more people there than that, I just can’t remember who. I like seeing Keith Urban live. He is very entertaining. I would like to go with somebody, but I wouldn’t know who to ask. I wish I had internet at work. I could look up ticket prices. Oh well. I hope I can remember to do it when I get home.

            I can’t use my laptop, because of something weird. When I tried to open the internet yesterday, it took me to a Comcast account activation page. I did not get a new account. I don’t have an account at all. It is wireless. But it won’t let me go any further than that page. Does anybody have any clue what I can do to fix this? I need to go get that laptop from my Mom. There is something wrong with it too, but at least it has all the keys on the keyboard. It would be nice if I could get both laptops working. I’m supposed to sell my old on to Donny, but I’m not going to sell him a busted ass laptop. Hey, the supply order is here. Finally something to do. It’s now ten thirty seven and we are done with supplies now too. It’s good that we stay caught up, but then there ain’t shit to do again.

            Every CD I have listened to today sounds really good on these computer speakers. I can’t imagine how nice they’ll be with a real system. At this rate I will probably get to listen to all six CDs before the end of my work day. Well the Gucci Mane just ended. So what’s next? I put Fabolous in. I have decided any one of these CDs I don’t like I will give to Gleaves, my coworker. I’m not a Fabolous fan so this might be the first one I get rid of. I have one of his CDs now and I only like about two songs on it. This CD is ok so far. Well that Fabolous CD is over and it wasn’t all that. But this Freddie Gibbs is pretty tight.

            I just came back from lunch. I had a grilled ham and cheese sandwich with some sweet tea. Now I’m back at work and there still is nothing to do. More people have gotten arrested, but nothing has happened here in Property. Hopefully there will be some dressouts in about thirty minutes or so. It’s too bad I can’t take a nap. That would get me in trouble though. Why can’t my evenings go by as slow as my work day? Catrenna (another coworker) must have gotten really bored. All the over stock I pulled for the day, she folded it all, even though it didn’t need to be. I guess if we get bored from writing or reading books we will find something to do. I am only half way through this day and I have managed to write all these paragraphs. I wonder how much I might type the rest of the day.

            Now I got this asshole sitting outside my window for dressout. He wants to start shit because he says we got his name wrong. We can’t do anything about that. They just had to cuff him because he wants to buck at officers. He’s lucky he didn’t get laid out on the floor. I hate when the inmates try to start shit. This job is so easy, unless an inmate decides they want to start something. It’s been fifteen minutes since I typed last on here and the asshole is still getting dressed. I guess he thinks if he goes slowly that he won’t have to do anything he is told.

This is what happened to an inmate at my job

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1xkntK7wKHU

Sometimes I wish I could turn my brain off. But I can’t, so I won’t. Last night Jennifer finally broke down and told me everything I did wrong. And she is right. I fucked this up. All I had to do is love her and treat her the way she deserves to be treated. I pray that one day she will forgive me and be able to move past this, but she is hurt pretty bad. I would give my anything for one more chance with her. I can’t even stay at her house, when I go see the kids, too long because it still hurts so bad knowing I lost her. I do wonder why she let me act the way I did for so long before she finally snapped on me. It hurts so badly because when we had good times together they were awesome. But not enough for her to try again. God this blows!!!

I miss my sons so much it hurts. I sure hope I can go over there tomorrow to see them and try to pack my car as full as I can with stuff I still have over there. I really don’t know where I am going to put everything when I get it to my Dad’s place. I don’t want to overcrowd my bedroom. It looks nice the way it is now. I wonder if I will ever get over losing Jennifer. I just can’t even think of other things to think or write about. She and the boys are my life. I find it hard to breath these days. Wow. I am really just rambling here. What it is is that I am at work and the jail is at maximum capacity. So what that means is we can’t dress anyone out because there is nowhere to put them. I guess that means I am going to sit here and type every random thought that comes into my head. Maybe if I’m lucky I will actually run out of things to type.

I don’t know if I am going to post this as a blog or not. I might just to keep a running electronic kind of journal. I don’t know who in the hell would want to read this crap. It’s only eight fifty in the morning. I still got to make it to three thirty. Then I got to get my ass to the bank to get some cash so I can go grocery shopping and get gas. Hopefully while I am here today they will update my online banking. If I am really lucky I will get my checks in the mail. I need them so I can switch my direct deposit. I think it is so weird they Metro policy states that you MUST have direct deposit. What if I like going to the liquor store and cashing it for a portion of my check? That was sarcasm by the way.

Jennifer

I now know exactly what I did wrong to ruin my marriage. I am so deeply sorry that I hurt the woman of my dreams that emotionally bad. I will always love you, Jennifer. And I will always regret all the mistakes I made when it came to you.

It’s September 26, 2010. I have been off work for the last five days. The first two days was my regular days off, and then I got sick. I got a stomach virus that messed me up so bad you wouldn’t believe. So, I finally get my ass back to work today and the first thing my co-worker, Wendy, tells me that she was told I would not be back until tomorrow. Now as temping as it was to just turn around and leave I didn’t. I did what I needed to do and stayed at work. For those of you who don’t know, I work in a jail. I ‘dress out’ men for a living. Let me explain, briefly. If you don’t make bond while in Booking, then you have to change into jail issued clothing and be placed with the rest of the population. That’s where my job comes in. What I do is inventory everything they come to jail with (clothing/ personal effects). After it’s all inventoried in the computer we supply them with everything they will need while in jail. We also have a number of other petty tasks we have to do throughout the day. It sounds pretty lame, but it’s not a bad job.


By the way, I may change topics randomly. That is because I am pretty much type whatever comes into my head. Well, I fell asleep and now I’m back. I am very tired lately. I guess with everything going on in my life right now it could be understandable why I’m tired. The worst part is trying to get moved out of Jennifer’s house. I have nothing packed, so I have to pack each time I go over there. The one good thing about that is that when I get to my dads house I unpack the boxes as soon as I get there. Everything that I have moved so far has been put where it needs to go and I have managed to keep my room clean. I need a dirty laundry hamper.


YOU KNOW WHAT REALLY SUCKS. WHEN YOU KNOW YOU HAVE MONEY IN THE BANK AND YOU CAN’T GET TO IT BECAUSE YOU JUST OPENED THE ACCOUNT. ALL I HAVE IS THOSE STUPID BLANK CHECKS THAT YOU HAVE TO FILL IN ALL YOUR INFORMATION IN THE TOP LEFT CORNER. I WENT TO KROGER AND PICKED UP ALL KINDS OF GROCERIES. I’M TALKING ENOUGH FOOD FOR AT LEAST A WEEK. I GET TO THE REGISTER, FILL OUT THE STUPID CHECK, JUST TO HAVE THE CASHIER TELL ME THEY DON’T TAKE THOSE KINDS OF CHECKS. I WAS SO EMBARASSED. I HAVE NEVER HAD TO LEAVE WITHOUT MY GROCERIES. NOW I CAN’T GET FOOD UNTIL MONDAY AFTERNOON. I HAVE TO WAIT FOR THE BANK TO BE OPENSO I CAN TAKE OUT THE CASH TO BUY THE GROCERIES. THIS IS MY FINANCIAL LIFE UNTIL I GET REAL CHECKS AND A DEBIT CARD. GOD, I MISS MY DEBIT CARD. I HAD TO PUT FOUR DOLLARS IN MY GAS TANK TODAY, SO HOPEFULLY I CAN MAKE IT TO WORK AND BACK TOMORROW. Which reminds me I need to get money out for gas too.


If it wasn’t for my lack of gas in my car, I would go see my children today. The last time I went to see them wasn’t as bad as all the other times before. Patrick was distracted by being outside that he didn’t throw a huge fit when it was time for me to leave. Matthew is still a baby so he doesn’t understand, but Patrick does. Except for this last time, Patrick always climbs in my lap and starts crying and throwing a fit because he wants to go with me. It hurts so fucking bad, I can’t begin to describe. And then there is the loneliness. I miss having my wife around. I thought we had a great thing going. I still believe that we could have a good thing. I can’t change her mind though. I would give anything to just start over from scratch. I’m not talking about moving back in and jumping back to where we left off. I just want to start with a first date again. But I am not going to get that chance, so really, what’s the point of even harping over it. Dammit, I harp because I still can’t believe it’s real. When is the hurt going to stop?


I wish I could just hide out at home until I got over this shitty part of my life, but I can’t. I TRY TO FILL MY EVENINGS AND WEEKENDS WITH HOBBIES AND SUCH. I STARTED PLAYING MY VIDEO GAMES AGAIN. And I have really got back into music big time. I’m not musically gifted, by any stretch of the imagination. I love listening to music. I love it on different formats, i.e. cds, cassettes, and vinyl. I am really falling in love with vinyl. I got a couple of drive by trucker albums and they sound fabulous on vinyl. On this one song called ‘angels and fuselage’, a song about the lynyrd skynyrd plane crash, I swear it sounds like they added extra tape hiss to that song. Which that only makes the song that much more eerie. I love the warmth of vinyl.


Well, I think I’m done rambling for the day. I’m sorry to all of you that wasted your time reading this garbage. But if you did enjoy, then thanks for reading and come again. Peace and chicken grease. I’m out!!!

I wish people knew that sometimes I am perfectly fine with being depressed and withdrawn. I jus want to lay on the couch and watch Six Feet Under until there is no more to watch. I will get past this funky part of my life just like I get over everything. Right now my dad has got me watching Cheap Trick perform Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club band. It's ok, but I prefer the original. I am so bored with my life right now. If I had some money I would be headed out to the Carolinas to see Adrian and his family and also go to the ocean. Maybe when I become a porn star I can afford trips out of town. Yeah, right, like I would ever do that. I just can't get over that. I will be laughing about that one for a while.Well, I think that's all I got for now. So peace out peeps.

I'm 27 Now

         Well I turned 27 yesterday. Now it's 3:34 am and I feel like complete shit. I need to get the rest of my stuff out of Jennifer's house. I need a truck though. So, who wants to know about my fascinating birthday? Well, I woke up and listened to music for about an hour and a half. Then I left the hose and went to the bank to get some spending money. After that I went to Walgreen's to get my blood pressure medicine. Next I went to big lots to look at a futon, desks, and media storage centers. I looked around for a while and left without buying anything. Then I drove out to Millersville to Goodlettsville Auto Salvage to get my car looked at. They said I needed two hoses. One hose was corroded and the other had a hole straight through the middle of it. They told me they would have to order them, so I left. I went and picked up my Dad for lunch. We went to Steak N Shake. While they i received a call from the salvage yard. They had already got the parts in. So me and my Dad ran up there to get it fixed. We hung out there for an hour or so and then they were done. It only cost me 106.00. After that we went to big lots and I bought a dark brown media storage shelf. We came home and I put the shelf together. It holds all my Cd's, which makes me happy because that's exactly what i planned for it. Finally to round out the night, I fell asleep watching Six Feet Under. So that was my birthday. It may not sound like much, but I really enjoyed myself.

So let's see if this gets any comments... I was offered a position in an adult film while out shopping today. Now, talk amoungst yourselves.

I’m kind of lost these days. I find myself sitting and starring off into space quite often. I guess it’s because I can’t believe everything that has happened over just the last two weeks. I can’t get used to the fact that I don’t get to go home everyday to see my two beautiful boys. And I miss my wife, the woman whom I fell in love with five years ago. Sometimes I am perfectly fine and live my life as such. But every now and then I find myself just wondering where it all went wrong. I know what I did, or at least what she will tell me. I take full responsibility for the mean and unnecessary things I said, but that’s just not good enough. There is nothing more I can do. I never imagined in a million years that it would all end up this way. People keep telling me that it’s probably for the best, but when does that part happen? Nothing seems real anymore. I know I can get past this though. I have made it through so many other things in my life. I turn 27 in two days and I don’t know where my life is going. But then again, I guess nobody does.

Life... or something like it

Here I sit on the floor of my father's living room, listening to The Eagles Desperado. The pain is starting to finally ease up a little. My wife and I seperated about a week and a half ago. I have tried to talk to her on private messages to no avail. I really don't think it's going to work out between us. And as much as it hurts, it hurts a hell of alot more when I think of our boys. We have two sons together. When I think of them growing up in a single parent home just as I did, it tears me to pieces. I'm not saying a single parent home is a negative thing. It's just that I would have killed to have two parents always there when I needed them. And I don't honestly know where we stand because I can't get anything out of my wife. I miss her and more boys more than I could ever imagine. Where did everything go wrong?

Right now I'm watching Fight Club. I cannot sleep to save my life, but I know that when I do, I will sleep hard. I have got plenty to do tomorrow so I need to go to sleep. Oh well...maybe soon.

What's up, people? This is my first time

Hello everybody!!! I'm going to try out this blogging thing and see how it goes.