This is what happened to an inmate at my job

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1xkntK7wKHU

Sometimes I wish I could turn my brain off. But I can’t, so I won’t. Last night Jennifer finally broke down and told me everything I did wrong. And she is right. I fucked this up. All I had to do is love her and treat her the way she deserves to be treated. I pray that one day she will forgive me and be able to move past this, but she is hurt pretty bad. I would give my anything for one more chance with her. I can’t even stay at her house, when I go see the kids, too long because it still hurts so bad knowing I lost her. I do wonder why she let me act the way I did for so long before she finally snapped on me. It hurts so badly because when we had good times together they were awesome. But not enough for her to try again. God this blows!!!

I miss my sons so much it hurts. I sure hope I can go over there tomorrow to see them and try to pack my car as full as I can with stuff I still have over there. I really don’t know where I am going to put everything when I get it to my Dad’s place. I don’t want to overcrowd my bedroom. It looks nice the way it is now. I wonder if I will ever get over losing Jennifer. I just can’t even think of other things to think or write about. She and the boys are my life. I find it hard to breath these days. Wow. I am really just rambling here. What it is is that I am at work and the jail is at maximum capacity. So what that means is we can’t dress anyone out because there is nowhere to put them. I guess that means I am going to sit here and type every random thought that comes into my head. Maybe if I’m lucky I will actually run out of things to type.

I don’t know if I am going to post this as a blog or not. I might just to keep a running electronic kind of journal. I don’t know who in the hell would want to read this crap. It’s only eight fifty in the morning. I still got to make it to three thirty. Then I got to get my ass to the bank to get some cash so I can go grocery shopping and get gas. Hopefully while I am here today they will update my online banking. If I am really lucky I will get my checks in the mail. I need them so I can switch my direct deposit. I think it is so weird they Metro policy states that you MUST have direct deposit. What if I like going to the liquor store and cashing it for a portion of my check? That was sarcasm by the way.

Jennifer

I now know exactly what I did wrong to ruin my marriage. I am so deeply sorry that I hurt the woman of my dreams that emotionally bad. I will always love you, Jennifer. And I will always regret all the mistakes I made when it came to you.

It’s September 26, 2010. I have been off work for the last five days. The first two days was my regular days off, and then I got sick. I got a stomach virus that messed me up so bad you wouldn’t believe. So, I finally get my ass back to work today and the first thing my co-worker, Wendy, tells me that she was told I would not be back until tomorrow. Now as temping as it was to just turn around and leave I didn’t. I did what I needed to do and stayed at work. For those of you who don’t know, I work in a jail. I ‘dress out’ men for a living. Let me explain, briefly. If you don’t make bond while in Booking, then you have to change into jail issued clothing and be placed with the rest of the population. That’s where my job comes in. What I do is inventory everything they come to jail with (clothing/ personal effects). After it’s all inventoried in the computer we supply them with everything they will need while in jail. We also have a number of other petty tasks we have to do throughout the day. It sounds pretty lame, but it’s not a bad job.


By the way, I may change topics randomly. That is because I am pretty much type whatever comes into my head. Well, I fell asleep and now I’m back. I am very tired lately. I guess with everything going on in my life right now it could be understandable why I’m tired. The worst part is trying to get moved out of Jennifer’s house. I have nothing packed, so I have to pack each time I go over there. The one good thing about that is that when I get to my dads house I unpack the boxes as soon as I get there. Everything that I have moved so far has been put where it needs to go and I have managed to keep my room clean. I need a dirty laundry hamper.


YOU KNOW WHAT REALLY SUCKS. WHEN YOU KNOW YOU HAVE MONEY IN THE BANK AND YOU CAN’T GET TO IT BECAUSE YOU JUST OPENED THE ACCOUNT. ALL I HAVE IS THOSE STUPID BLANK CHECKS THAT YOU HAVE TO FILL IN ALL YOUR INFORMATION IN THE TOP LEFT CORNER. I WENT TO KROGER AND PICKED UP ALL KINDS OF GROCERIES. I’M TALKING ENOUGH FOOD FOR AT LEAST A WEEK. I GET TO THE REGISTER, FILL OUT THE STUPID CHECK, JUST TO HAVE THE CASHIER TELL ME THEY DON’T TAKE THOSE KINDS OF CHECKS. I WAS SO EMBARASSED. I HAVE NEVER HAD TO LEAVE WITHOUT MY GROCERIES. NOW I CAN’T GET FOOD UNTIL MONDAY AFTERNOON. I HAVE TO WAIT FOR THE BANK TO BE OPENSO I CAN TAKE OUT THE CASH TO BUY THE GROCERIES. THIS IS MY FINANCIAL LIFE UNTIL I GET REAL CHECKS AND A DEBIT CARD. GOD, I MISS MY DEBIT CARD. I HAD TO PUT FOUR DOLLARS IN MY GAS TANK TODAY, SO HOPEFULLY I CAN MAKE IT TO WORK AND BACK TOMORROW. Which reminds me I need to get money out for gas too.


If it wasn’t for my lack of gas in my car, I would go see my children today. The last time I went to see them wasn’t as bad as all the other times before. Patrick was distracted by being outside that he didn’t throw a huge fit when it was time for me to leave. Matthew is still a baby so he doesn’t understand, but Patrick does. Except for this last time, Patrick always climbs in my lap and starts crying and throwing a fit because he wants to go with me. It hurts so fucking bad, I can’t begin to describe. And then there is the loneliness. I miss having my wife around. I thought we had a great thing going. I still believe that we could have a good thing. I can’t change her mind though. I would give anything to just start over from scratch. I’m not talking about moving back in and jumping back to where we left off. I just want to start with a first date again. But I am not going to get that chance, so really, what’s the point of even harping over it. Dammit, I harp because I still can’t believe it’s real. When is the hurt going to stop?


I wish I could just hide out at home until I got over this shitty part of my life, but I can’t. I TRY TO FILL MY EVENINGS AND WEEKENDS WITH HOBBIES AND SUCH. I STARTED PLAYING MY VIDEO GAMES AGAIN. And I have really got back into music big time. I’m not musically gifted, by any stretch of the imagination. I love listening to music. I love it on different formats, i.e. cds, cassettes, and vinyl. I am really falling in love with vinyl. I got a couple of drive by trucker albums and they sound fabulous on vinyl. On this one song called ‘angels and fuselage’, a song about the lynyrd skynyrd plane crash, I swear it sounds like they added extra tape hiss to that song. Which that only makes the song that much more eerie. I love the warmth of vinyl.


Well, I think I’m done rambling for the day. I’m sorry to all of you that wasted your time reading this garbage. But if you did enjoy, then thanks for reading and come again. Peace and chicken grease. I’m out!!!

I wish people knew that sometimes I am perfectly fine with being depressed and withdrawn. I jus want to lay on the couch and watch Six Feet Under until there is no more to watch. I will get past this funky part of my life just like I get over everything. Right now my dad has got me watching Cheap Trick perform Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club band. It's ok, but I prefer the original. I am so bored with my life right now. If I had some money I would be headed out to the Carolinas to see Adrian and his family and also go to the ocean. Maybe when I become a porn star I can afford trips out of town. Yeah, right, like I would ever do that. I just can't get over that. I will be laughing about that one for a while.Well, I think that's all I got for now. So peace out peeps.

I'm 27 Now

         Well I turned 27 yesterday. Now it's 3:34 am and I feel like complete shit. I need to get the rest of my stuff out of Jennifer's house. I need a truck though. So, who wants to know about my fascinating birthday? Well, I woke up and listened to music for about an hour and a half. Then I left the hose and went to the bank to get some spending money. After that I went to Walgreen's to get my blood pressure medicine. Next I went to big lots to look at a futon, desks, and media storage centers. I looked around for a while and left without buying anything. Then I drove out to Millersville to Goodlettsville Auto Salvage to get my car looked at. They said I needed two hoses. One hose was corroded and the other had a hole straight through the middle of it. They told me they would have to order them, so I left. I went and picked up my Dad for lunch. We went to Steak N Shake. While they i received a call from the salvage yard. They had already got the parts in. So me and my Dad ran up there to get it fixed. We hung out there for an hour or so and then they were done. It only cost me 106.00. After that we went to big lots and I bought a dark brown media storage shelf. We came home and I put the shelf together. It holds all my Cd's, which makes me happy because that's exactly what i planned for it. Finally to round out the night, I fell asleep watching Six Feet Under. So that was my birthday. It may not sound like much, but I really enjoyed myself.

So let's see if this gets any comments... I was offered a position in an adult film while out shopping today. Now, talk amoungst yourselves.

I’m kind of lost these days. I find myself sitting and starring off into space quite often. I guess it’s because I can’t believe everything that has happened over just the last two weeks. I can’t get used to the fact that I don’t get to go home everyday to see my two beautiful boys. And I miss my wife, the woman whom I fell in love with five years ago. Sometimes I am perfectly fine and live my life as such. But every now and then I find myself just wondering where it all went wrong. I know what I did, or at least what she will tell me. I take full responsibility for the mean and unnecessary things I said, but that’s just not good enough. There is nothing more I can do. I never imagined in a million years that it would all end up this way. People keep telling me that it’s probably for the best, but when does that part happen? Nothing seems real anymore. I know I can get past this though. I have made it through so many other things in my life. I turn 27 in two days and I don’t know where my life is going. But then again, I guess nobody does.

Life... or something like it

Here I sit on the floor of my father's living room, listening to The Eagles Desperado. The pain is starting to finally ease up a little. My wife and I seperated about a week and a half ago. I have tried to talk to her on private messages to no avail. I really don't think it's going to work out between us. And as much as it hurts, it hurts a hell of alot more when I think of our boys. We have two sons together. When I think of them growing up in a single parent home just as I did, it tears me to pieces. I'm not saying a single parent home is a negative thing. It's just that I would have killed to have two parents always there when I needed them. And I don't honestly know where we stand because I can't get anything out of my wife. I miss her and more boys more than I could ever imagine. Where did everything go wrong?

Right now I'm watching Fight Club. I cannot sleep to save my life, but I know that when I do, I will sleep hard. I have got plenty to do tomorrow so I need to go to sleep. Oh well...maybe soon.

What's up, people? This is my first time

Hello everybody!!! I'm going to try out this blogging thing and see how it goes.